For the one in twelve: Fantasy Football and Mental Health Hotline

For the One in Twelve

Are you a professional athlete with stress? You feel there is too much pressure on you to perform? You must love fantasy sports then. Where people make money on your performance, benefitting from all the work you put in, just by drafting you on their team.

In Football, every week, about 1 in 12 fantasy players want you to have game of your life. (and 1 in 12 really want you to lay an egg). But I think we can all come together on this issue. Well maybe we can’t. 11 in 12 of every fantasy football players are happy you got in a car accident, drove drunk, got injured, got arrested, can’t perform at your best for whatever reason. Because you aren’t on their team.

Only your fantasy owners care about you. 1 in 12. .0833, 8.33% of the fantasy population. The numbers actually say, because of fantasy, way more people are rooting against you, than for you. Sorry about that!!

But here, we have compassion, and let you know that even though only 1 in 12 fantasy players are really rooting for your success, as a role model, we ask you to please live responsibly and make sure to keep your body in shape, no injuries this season.

I would raise money so that the fantasy players can help the professional players with mental health issues, but that’s like asking the poor to give to the rich. And I know you are not like Donald Trump. He’s one of a kind! Thankfully!!!

So instead, I’ve created a hotline. Actually, I haven’t one has already been created.

Are you a professional athlete needing advice or stuck in pickle? Feeling like you might go up to 126 mph when you drive your car? Drunk a lot and thinking you’ll get behind the wheel? Having thoughts of dragging your wife into the elevator? Taking a stick to your kid? Hitting your wife? Taking more painkillers than you really need? Speeding reckless until your car crashes into someone, needlessly ending their life, cause you are an ass?

Please don’t. Call 988, the new mental health hotline. Save your season! For the 1 in 12! (12 teams are generally in one fantasy league, hence the 1 in 12 for fantasy football.)

Ok. Reading this. I realize that the suicide hotline, might not be the right number to call. Are you a professional athlete that is worthy of being on a fantasy team? (Sorry Craig Breslow. but appreciate your charity philanthropy work!)

Think you are going to make a bad decision. Call. 1-800-DO-RIGHT 1-800-367-4448 or 1-800-NO-WRONG 1-800-669-7664. Operators are standing by. Use your credit card and pay extra to talk to one of models, otherwise you'll probably be talking to a fantasy football player (male).

 Let us help you to call an Uber or remind you to just get out an take a walk. (make sure you identify yourself as an professional athlete upon being approached, let's not have another Travon Martin situation, as you walk to cool off (emotionally) in your gated community). 

Picking between two girls, and they are not into a ménage a trois. One of our fantasy studs will come and meet you, so you can pawn off the uglier one. Though no guarantees, some women are weird (self-loathing) and won't actually want to date a professional athlete. (They do, they just don't, don't ask questions, but even accountants need dates! So thank you professional athletes for not taking all the women!).