It Gives You A Warm Feeling, But No One Else Notices

You probably think the above is a reference to the troubling events in Myanmar. Well, it’s not.

A smart person once told me that the secret to a good blog is self-deprecation. And Google has plenty to say on the connection between blogging and self-deprecating humor as well. Apparently people love to hear you go into painful detail about your own humiliating life. Apparently self-immolation or “roasting yourself” (hence the photo up top) is the highest form of bloggery.

My coauthor, GeorgeCostanza’s#1Fan, has consistently made an eloquent show of publicly baring his soul on these pages from the get go so, in the interest of making up lost time quickly and efficiently, I present here an annotated catalog of my personal failures to date:


1. Ate glue. ¹

2. Cheated on spelling test (and still got word wrong). ²

3. Locked my brother in dark basement. ³

4. Ate the last slice of pie. ⁴

5. Stole food from supermarket. ⁵

6. Broke up with girlfriend by acting distant until she decided to break up with me. ⁶

7. Didn’t stand up for myself at a frat bar when drunk guy was being a jerk. ⁷

8. Did a little before I got to the party and then acted surprised when bag looked light. ⁸

9. Ripped someone off for 35 dollars in purchase of used stereo. ⁹

10. When I was drinking too much at a work party and started to make an ass of myself, my supervisor convinced me to go home before I did any lasting damage, but I was too embarrassed to thank him the next day. ¹⁰

11. Left the state with outstanding speeding tickets and/or bench warrants three different times. ¹¹

12. Cheated at Trivial Pursuit by making up fake question on the final round. ¹²

13. Lied to one of my students to cover up a paperwork error that lowered their semester grade. ¹³

14. Didn’t take out the trash when I promised I would. ¹⁴

Footnotes:
¹ 1st grade, bottle claims it’s non-toxic
² Lesson: only cheat off people smarter than you
³ Only for like 5 minutes
⁴ 1,397 times as of last Tuesday
⁵ More than just a handful of bulk candy (although I do that all the time too).
⁶ She wasn’t really a good person anyway
⁷ He was a ~250lb Division 1 hockey player
⁸ Note: after this happens a few times, even your close friends start to get suspicious
⁹ Actually, I have no excuse. He was a friendly, honest guy and I totally Jewed¹⁵ him.
¹⁰ No real excuse here either
¹¹ One of the states was New Jersey
¹² Frankly, that takes more brains than just knowing a bunch of trivial crap
¹³ If they were really so smart they would have known I was lying and gone to the principal
¹⁴ 10,462 times as of this morning
¹⁵ I can say that because I am Jewish on my mom’s side

I hope this has been a cathartic peak into the dark reaches of my petty, cowardly, thieving, little soul. Please come back soon.

It's Hard Out There For a Pimp

Actually, I doubt that. Watch American Pimp for substantiation, the central premise of which seems to be that The Game is in fact incredibly easy. You gotta wonder though, would the struggling pimps agree to an interview? If they did, would they admit their hardships? The question casts more than a shadow of doubt. Do pimps, maybe even the successful ones, ever wake up in the middle of the night and wonder what might have been?

For all of us, even the L7s, the big existential questions loom. Our choices about friendship, education, love, career, family, all the big stuff, are spilling over with personal meaning, but the decisions can also feel weighed down by a lack of moral purpose. Do I do these things solely for my benefit? If it is just about me, what is the point of personal sacrificc, and what will it all mean when I am gone? Do I do the way my family wants me too? How God tells me too? Do I just do what seems to work for my friends? Putting your shoes on in the morning for those reasons seems like the definition of Socrates’ “unexplored life”. So how do you operate with integrity in a seemingly hollow world? These capital-B-Big concerns can definitely lose you some sleep, but they have also inspired a lot of great writing. Many times I have thought about how my life choices stack up against the problems faced by the characters in Shakespeare, Faulkner, Hemingway, Joyce, Schulz, etc.

But really a writer doesn’t know anything more about the truths of human existence than you. They are just better able to pry their own opinions and prejudices into a pleasing narrative. So in a way, writing fiction is a little like being a pimp. Whether the fantasy is packaged in fake fur and plastic pumps or realistic dialogue and surprising plot twists, both are false and fleeting constructions. The reader gets a cheap thrill as the story builds and then the last page turns, she reapplies her lipstick, and you don’t really know anything more about the world or yourself than you did before. Or even worse, you think you do. I guess, to stretch the metaphor, that is like believing a working girl when she says she really likes you. So if even the classics are starting feel as fake as a stripper’s D cups, what is left? Paul Krassner once said, “irreverence is my only sacred cow,” but you gotta wonder, just where then does the man get his milk?

While we’re on the topic of prostitution, watching the news, even reading the NY Times, is starting feel like a trip to opposite-world, where borrowing more money than you could ever even intend to pay back is fiscally responsible and sending other peoples’ children to die takes courage. The politicians' and pundits' only real ability is to pull themselves into a a miniskirt and smile like it isn’t 35 degrees in the DC night air. At least this go around there is Obama, who seems like a relatively straight shooter. Plus he is like Rocky Marciano in negative: the great black hope. Wouldn’t it be crazy if a black man was president?

Well, not if he is compromised by corporate money, professional handlers and his own burning desire to triangulate to the middle of opinion polls. Is he just Hillary in black face? Probably, but either one will seem like a savior. Obama is definitely a thoughtful, articulate speaker and he has some genuine policies, like health care that you or your employer could afford, and not nuking countries that we aren’t at war with. What a nutcase-liberal that guy is huh?

But at the end of the day Obama is a politician. He gets ahead by telling us whatever it is we want to hear. It reminds me of a conversation I had with my father a few years back when I was doing volunteer work for Ralph Nader. HeMy dad smirked at my idealism, blaming it on my youth. “You young people think you’re so special, looking for a political candidate that has real integrity. Just hold your nose and pick the best looking whore, like the rest of us”. Not the worst advice I have ever heard.

Training

Lots of different threads in this post... take a deep breathe between each paragraph, so you can fully enjoy my post.

I started training for the Princeton Review tonight. The big question for me at the moment is will I be able to wake up at 7 in the morning? after going to bed at 3 a.m. the last few nights. We will see. could be a very short training for the Princeton Review if I don't get up in time. I can even make it to Oakwood for some swimming if I can... This is my first job in months... so it would kind of suck if I lost it in one day. but then I would be able to go to services at the Mission Minyan next week. The hip places where I plan to meet my future wife.

If that wasn't my intention in going to pray in SF to, at least meet girls, I would probably pray at the synagogue I grew up in. Wouldn't it be ironic if my (future) wife, was praying there? No, she won't be, because she would use the same logic I did. There aren't that many young people living in Lafayette, unless they are unemployed and sad and pathetic and living with their parents.

If this job thing works out, I should have some money for jdate and some interesting stories... otherwise...(make sure to take a deep breathe, it starts getting jumping here)

I will always have this.... a quote from a SAT essay: The question: Is it always "you don't know what you got till it's gone?" I wrote: "Yeah, no one was saying woo hoo after boarding a plane with a full regular tube of toothpaste and a full bottle of drinking water before 9/11". You don't miss those things you take for granted until they are gone....(remember to breathe)

speaking of 9/11, when the number of troop casualties double the number of deaths in 9/11 will we call it even? (what do they think there are too many patriotic, brave men around and if they weren't in a war, they might lead a revolution and (gasp) impeach the president? (you know the drill, hold it in for at least five seconds, maybe take a couple of deep ones here.)

News flash, on impeachment and why it has been taken off the table. I just talked to my mom, and she told me the party line. The democrats are afraid of messing things up for 2008. I would bet money that is exactly why they don't win in 2008. Leadership takes balls and the democrats have none (or at least less than GOPers). If they felt that the president didn't deserve to be impeached that would be one thing, but to not impeach him, because it makes our life harder, will come back to haunt them. He deserves it. The democrats aren't doing anything anyways. ITMFA, close to Savage's DTMFA, read Savage Love if you don't get the acronym. (you might want to count to ten before continuing, I get a little preachy here).

We, as a country, have gotten so fat (figuratively... well figuratively and literally) that we are afraid to mess up what we have. and therefore we will soon find ourselves with nothing, or maybe just empty lives, like the Romans before their civilization collapsed, bypassed by people and countries that are willing to put it all on the line.

Vegas, Baby!

Hey this is going to be short and sweet... Vegas was a blast... more to come later... the highlight of the trip, one of Sam's friends, Motorboated to girls at the topless pool. (See Wedding Crashers on what Motor boating is, something to do with sticking your head between two knockers. )

so I am tired, got some of my meds reduced, which hopefully will be a real good thing. think I am going to fail out of grad school a second time, am back home, where I belong until I start earning some money or get a rich girl to marry me. I might work as a tutor (but only make $17 an hour)... start training for the Princeton Review on Friday, which will kill my weekends for the next two weeks. Hope to get more involved in the Mission Minyan, with some hip jews...

Ok, you've been waiting for the numbers... Lost $60 at craps, but it was my first time playing... lost $20 at roulette on red, also might have been my first time playing that too. won $50 playing blackjack and was actually up a $100 (making $50 bets), only played three hands. I thought long and hard about betting the money the guys gave me ($2000), but I couldn't take the lose, if I didn't win the hand. too bad I didn't have a job (I would be more willing to take the risk)... be well my friends.... GCNOF is retiring for the night. got a shit load of stats to do tomorrow.

Back home

Greetings from the Golden State…

I’m back home in California. This is my first rant of the month. I just haven’t been writing. Swimming for 4.4 miles and then not swimming for two weeks, took a toll
on me. Adjusting from the life in the middle of the city, living with three other bachelors, to living with my sixty year old parents, in the middle of suburbia has taken a toll on me. Going from being an outsider, based on economic options and race (I lived near the projects and a homeless shelter, not to mention living on a former crack house block, and a half block from a shooting, while I was living in the area) to being an outsider because of my lack of family (of my own) or a job has been tough too.

I found out yesterday that I can continue my graduate study in statistics at Cal State East Bay. A relief.

Now I just have to get a part time job, so I can move out on my own and I’ll be set.

And I have started swimming again. Training for my next swim around Lake Tahoe (assuming it isn’t engulfed in fire) at the end of July.

I find it very funny that although I just swam 4.4 miles, because I didn’t swim for two weeks, I’m out of shape. I’ve always thought that I lose my shape very quickly for the continuity of working out that I have had since the seventh grade. when I won a plaque because I participated in the most after school sports of any seventh grader (all of the after school sports except track. I didn’t repeat to win the award in eighth grade. I decided to give the glory to someone else.

Basically I didn’t have any friends in seventh grade, (weep, weep), so to fill my days I went out for every after-school sport that there was. as for why I didn’t pursue theater or music: I failed to make a flute have sound in the fourth grade, and never touched another instrument until college. I never thought of singing, Rory Henderson was the only guy with enough balls in the sixth grade to join choir,
and yes, he was always surrounded by the hot-sixth grade ladies. At the time, I didn’t have any theatre talent and was scared to be on stage. Sports were low pressure. Not much you can screw up when you are sitting on the bench.

Reminiscing…

The same boredom came in high school. My first day, I went to classes and then home alone. I was bored. I didn’t know what to do with myself. The second day too. The third or fourth day I went out for water polo. I had tried it briefly during the summer, but found it too tough. But it was better than being home and bored. JV wasn’t as tough. Wrestling was different. I looked forward to wrestling in high
school, since the seventh grade. Wrestling was the sport for short guys, small guys, skinny guys who weren’t tall or coordinated enough for basketball. Because you only wrestled against guys the same weight as you. Wrestling was also the one sport, I had had some success at in junior high (remember, I had tried them all [except track]).

At Stanley intermediate, I was the top wrestler in my weight group in 8th grade and lost to A.J. Buhl in the final tournament (A.J. wrestled for four years at Campo and always kicked my butt). Wrestling was the sport of champions (and pansies and fish). Wrestling was about control. Wrist control and weight control. It was about losing five pounds in a week and then gorging right before a match or a tournament. It was
about running in a sweatsuit with a garbage bag around you in a gym with the heat turned up. Trying to draw every ounce of H20 out of your body. Wrestling meant that each time you took a dump you were one or two pounds closer to making weight.

MK took a spitter (used for chewing tabacco with him) every Thursday before weigh ins. Hit Petrini’s for a Mustard sandwich (never remembered what meat he ordered. Just that there was always lots of mustard(I’m mustard-phobic, FYI). MK would be spitting into the spitter, for two hours, hoping to lose the last ounce of weight before weigh-ins. Salivating over the sandwich, probably helped him drop over an ounce of spit over a three-hour period. DH would complain about how painful it was to watch TV commercials for food-related products and restaurants, while fasting before weigh-ins. We weren’t the brightest then….

Now we know that water helps you lose weight and jogging a little probably would get all the sweat out
of you, without torturing yourself by exposing yourself to food that you couldn’t eat until after
weigh-ins.

It was only years later, that I realized that if I didn’t gorge myself right after weigh-ins, I might have wrestling better. For me, making weight was a lot more of a challenge than the actual wrestling. I don’t think I ever failed to make weight. Sadly, I rarely won my match. I did beat a girl once, and a few freshmen (when I was a senior).

I did letter in two sports. Water polo and wrestling (both my junior year), but never got a lettermen’s jacket. It was worth-it as a freshman or sophomore, when you had years of use of it. Unless of course you want to frequent high school football games as a thirty year old and check out the cheerleaders and impress your fellow thirty year olds (bare with me, fellow thirty year olds , who are also at the high school football game. I guess that being that I’m home, maybe that will be me.).

I guess that is kinda of old school. It might be nice to have that then. Who knows maybe it would have got me laid in high school. Would have been 0 for the 20th century in that case. Some freshman girl, might have thought I was a big-man on campus with a letterman jacket.

So that’s how I started to work out....FYI, after my Lake Tahoe swim, I need another athletic event to train for..

anyone interested in doing a century-ride or half-marathon?

Peace out- GCNOF

China Executes Product-safety Chief

China does not fuck around.
They know the international reputation of their exports is at stake so they can't afford half measures. A little bit of that might be nice in the Far West. Say you are a public official whose malicious or incompetent behavior is responsible for the death of Americans; take your pick: EPA, FEMA, Pentagon, Intelligence, Green Zone, White House, etc. Instead a tongue lashing and a book deal, you get two to the back of the head. Maybe if you filch from the public till you just lose a hand. It's not exactly progressive, but it might raise the bar a little in the public sector. I guess we can only speak wistfully of having as uncorrupt, efficient a system as the Chinese.

Update

Hey, It's 3 a.m. and am wanting to go to bed soon. It probably won't happen, as I woke up around 1 p.m. today (Monday) and 1 p.m. yesterday (Sunday). I missed my swimming practice, because I was too tired to get up, comatosed, might be a good word choice. Too comatosed to get out of bed. Watched the basketball game, and saw the Warriors lose a close one. too bad.
the way I feel about competition is always one sided.

Either I am happy to win and don't care about losing or am very upset about losing and don't care if I win, depending on the competition. They produce the same. a desire to win, but one gets a positive and one only has a negative.

poker for me is mainly about the losing. when you win, it usually involves luck, ok, for me (maybe that's the problem, I don't win with skill, which is why winning doesn't feel good, but lately I hate losing at poker, because it keeps happening all the time.

I'm enjoying hanging out with my housemates, mainly watching basketball this last month. we are all leaving the house and I am moving back to California. I know a lot of people looking for work here. and I probably, hopefully can get work here, but it just makes sense to head back to California, take some courses and get a job back there.

When I left for DC, it was mainly a career move and when I move back to California, it is also mainly a career move. It is time I got a regular job. although I'll miss the DC intellectuals quite a bit. I could work here, but as long as I am taking grad classes, it's best I move back there. I can move here, if I get a cushy job here. after I go threw grad school again or get into a field where no grad school is required. it's time for me to hit the head. more to come later. including a wrap up to the Series-When Things Come Out the Wrong Way.
-GCNOF