Depression

Ok, I haven't written in a long time and have been a little depressed. I got passed over for two jobs I should have had. Now I haven't nothing baking in the oven.

Writing helps me put things in perspective and when I get down, I don't usually don't write. I have this thing where if I really like something, I tend to save it for when I feel really good. As if my bad/unhappy thoughts will ruin a good thing. And I want to keep that thing always positive.

For example, I am applying for a job in Lake Tahoe. Tahoe has always been that special place. Like a get away. I'm not doing well, so I go up there and am better, and then I head back to civilization, usually the Bay Area. I'm afraid that by living there, it will no longer remain my "safe space." It will lose the healing affects it has on my soul.

In a sense, I've made the entire Northern California region my safe space get-away by living (in DC) on the East Coast. Lafayette, the Bay Area and Tahoe have all become my safe space. I visit them to boost my mood.

I do that with other "happy" things as well. Like waiting to watch TV or a movie or ask a girl on a date until I'm in my happy space.

It's like my mood is too powerful and the external forces aren't powerful enough. Maybe I'm overestimating the power of my mood. Maybe my mood is really powerful. But I think that putting too much stock in the power of my mood, is part of the problem. maybe I should lighten up a little and give more credit to the external world, rather than the internal one.

on another note: My grandfather is gravely ill. I maybe flying to Indiana, anytime in the next couple of days. I hope it's after my date on Monday. (first one in a long time.) It probably won't be. He was a very strong man, still is in some respects, and I won't count him out, until he is.

on another matter: It looks like I will move back home to California by the end of the summer, or earlier.

Signing off.
GCNOF