It Gives You A Warm Feeling, But No One Else Notices

You probably think the above is a reference to the troubling events in Myanmar. Well, it’s not.

A smart person once told me that the secret to a good blog is self-deprecation. And Google has plenty to say on the connection between blogging and self-deprecating humor as well. Apparently people love to hear you go into painful detail about your own humiliating life. Apparently self-immolation or “roasting yourself” (hence the photo up top) is the highest form of bloggery.

My coauthor, GeorgeCostanza’s#1Fan, has consistently made an eloquent show of publicly baring his soul on these pages from the get go so, in the interest of making up lost time quickly and efficiently, I present here an annotated catalog of my personal failures to date:


1. Ate glue. ¹

2. Cheated on spelling test (and still got word wrong). ²

3. Locked my brother in dark basement. ³

4. Ate the last slice of pie. ⁴

5. Stole food from supermarket. ⁵

6. Broke up with girlfriend by acting distant until she decided to break up with me. ⁶

7. Didn’t stand up for myself at a frat bar when drunk guy was being a jerk. ⁷

8. Did a little before I got to the party and then acted surprised when bag looked light. ⁸

9. Ripped someone off for 35 dollars in purchase of used stereo. ⁹

10. When I was drinking too much at a work party and started to make an ass of myself, my supervisor convinced me to go home before I did any lasting damage, but I was too embarrassed to thank him the next day. ¹⁰

11. Left the state with outstanding speeding tickets and/or bench warrants three different times. ¹¹

12. Cheated at Trivial Pursuit by making up fake question on the final round. ¹²

13. Lied to one of my students to cover up a paperwork error that lowered their semester grade. ¹³

14. Didn’t take out the trash when I promised I would. ¹⁴

Footnotes:
¹ 1st grade, bottle claims it’s non-toxic
² Lesson: only cheat off people smarter than you
³ Only for like 5 minutes
⁴ 1,397 times as of last Tuesday
⁵ More than just a handful of bulk candy (although I do that all the time too).
⁶ She wasn’t really a good person anyway
⁷ He was a ~250lb Division 1 hockey player
⁸ Note: after this happens a few times, even your close friends start to get suspicious
⁹ Actually, I have no excuse. He was a friendly, honest guy and I totally Jewed¹⁵ him.
¹⁰ No real excuse here either
¹¹ One of the states was New Jersey
¹² Frankly, that takes more brains than just knowing a bunch of trivial crap
¹³ If they were really so smart they would have known I was lying and gone to the principal
¹⁴ 10,462 times as of this morning
¹⁵ I can say that because I am Jewish on my mom’s side

I hope this has been a cathartic peak into the dark reaches of my petty, cowardly, thieving, little soul. Please come back soon.