Wednesdays

Ok. let me get this out in the open. I have a conflict. I am doing more and more observant things as a Jew. I put on tefillin almost every morning. I go to Synogogue about twice a month. I generally observe the shabbath. ok, I am not right now it's Friday night/Saturday morning right now, and I shouldn't be writing, but often...

but I have neglected the normal things I use to do to keep, well, sane. For example, I use to go on Wednesdays to the NAMI support groups (support groups for people with serious mental and emotional problems). Emotionally it did wonders for me. Listening to other people's severe mental or emotional problems, sharing my own problems and helping each other created a nice support group. real connections. I would bring in a reference to "Fight Club", but I am not a phony and while the movie didn't necessarily make a mockery of those support groups. general consensus, may be otherwise.

For example, tell me that you are so in need of "real" human contact, that you go to support groups of which you don't suffer the problem, just to feel connected. I wonder how common that that is in our internet society. I would love to hear from you if you do that and whether eventually you told your friends from the support group that you were actually in it just to make friends. (side note) I bet everyone that goes to the Porn Addiction support group is married and really has that problem. In all seriousness, I would never have the guts to show up to that one.

Back to my support group, I felt a real connection to the people at NAMI. We had or were going through similar experiences, which often included flunking out of school, losing jobs and destroying relationships. We were bonding because we were sharing our weaknesses. I'm emphasizing this point, because, now on Wednesdays I go to Torah study, and we just don't share our weaknesses. In fact, we kinda of just show our strength (intellectually speaking). We learn from a great rabbi, but we don't bond in the same way. These are great people that I am learning with and becoming friends with, just for me the connection doesn't quite seem real.

You might say, and Hilary Duff is reported to have said similar things about Holden Caulfield, that actually I am the phony. You might think the Duff is a bad example, but who knows phoniness better than an actor or actress. A better line would be: who knows phoniness better than a bad actor or actress. but I didn't, originally, go there. it sounds like a John Irving line, no?

so, maybe I should junk the book learning and share and learn from my real life suffering. real problems. Not that book learning is wrong. It's just nothing compares to real experience and the real emotional connection produced by traumatic events.

of course, I've made some new friends from the torah study. but I still feel a little fake there. maybe I'm just doing it for the friends.

When Things Come out the wrong End-Supplemental Material

Ok, I, GCNOF, am having a problem. I am writing about my vomit history, because in my past all of my vomits are memorable (to me), and there have been so few of them. Maybe it is because I have been thinking so much about vomiting or maybe I just didn't have enough practice. Because if these past few years are any indication by the time I'm 33, I might be vomiting at least once a month. By the time I'm 40, every week.

You see I vomited this morning. For the second time in two months, and in the same location too. (This has never happened before.) At the YMCA swimming pool, I made it to the men's bathroom and this time most of it wound up in or on the toilet, but unfortunately it wasn't all clear liquid like the last time. The piece of rye toast I ate right before swimming might been a little too stale.

I vomited twice in my twenties. Year 20 and 29. And twice in my thirtieth year and once already in less than a month of being 31.

It's been a weird and good week for me. I haven't seen a friend that I've known before since I got back from Philly last night. But I met some fun girls at a jdate party at a local bar and I'll call one of them tomorrow. I'm not holding my breathe, we will see. (but it will be good if she answers the phone when I call her). There was another real hottie there, that I didn't get a chance to talk to her . (she was always with a guy). maybe some other time.

Tonight I went to trivia. It was a hopeless cause. I sent out an e-mail to twenty people and two people RSVP. one can't come, but as a friend, he tells me so. and the other one? well I guess I told him, he shouldn't come as he was telling me he was sick with a sore throat.

But it worked out. This night, someone actually wanted a free agent. A bunch of FOOC (fresh out of college) Duke and Yale grads let me play on their team. They happened to be younger, and younger than they looked. I guess younger people are more likely to want to increase their number of friends or to just be nice.

My theme is this week, or is it this year, is just keep faith and things will work out. You could think about it from a philosophical principle, always keep your head up, because until you aren't breathing (for a period of at least ten minutes, more if you are in frigid water), you're always in the game. There are always more opportunities, even if you just missed a great one, another one will come along. To a religious principle, g-d has a plan, don't worry if you don't understand it now, or have just been royally screwed. It's part of a master plan, don't lose faith. keep your head up, ready for your next opportunity, because until you are not functioning there is always more.

I talked about the Brazilian girls I wound up living with, right? Things just work out. I really want your comment for this. Do you agree? Am I wrong, things don't work out, they just suck? G-d might have a plan. it just doesn't include me (you)?

There comes a time in your life, where if you don't pull through it's over? Well, look at Al Gore, if you need some inspiration. He lost the election to W.. Whose the better man, now?)